last post for year 2005
seriously this year is simply so not holiday!!
imagine we are studying for ct
when the rest of the world are counting down to 2006..
so wth..
zz..
well..
hopes that all the bad stuffs leave with 2005..
and 2006 will be a new start =))
best wishes ~

wept..
sob..
cried..
tears just flowed..
i kind of expected what he will say..
and as usual..
those words tore me apart..
one glad thing is that..
i didnt cry infront of him..
only when i loitered around under the void deck..
and not willing to go home..
and when the others called up to check on me..
really hated myself sometimes..
why are my tears always flowing..
why do i have to put other peoples happiness in front of mine..
why do i have to be so affected about how my friends feel..
sighs..
but its just me la..
i cannot tell myself to dont care..
just let me finish crying for today..
just let me be..
anyway..
i am glad that some of u still cares..
yf.. sc.. ht.. zy..
really appreciates all ur concern..
i will brace myself de!!

too much bad stuff has happened..
and i want to put an end to all the bad stuff..
so that it wont carry forward to next year..
if not it will be a bad start..

hmm
i have been sleeping like 12hours everyday
past few days woke up at 4pm
today woke at at 5pm!!
lol..
dont know lerr..
just dont feel like waking up lehh
oh well

i enjoy company of the stars..
but even if one day the stars have drifted..
i will be ok alone..
=))

once again
i broke down last night..
thanks ht for accompanying me on phone till 5am..
the only word to describe me now..
xin(1) hui(1) yi(4) leng(3)..
i am not going to shed another tear cause of this ever again..
u drove me nuts..
and u are gonna drove me away..
lets see how much patience do i have..

i am sorry..
i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore..

what you said is so correct..
i am stuck with my own thoughts..
i will never be happy if i continue being so obstinate..
but still..
i dont know what to do anymore..
because i dont know how to release myself from all these..
i have unknowingly bounded myself up..

woke up at 4pm..
didnt even went for my dim sum lunch..
feeling simply tired..
just tired..
dont feel like waking up either..
i feel slightly better today..
thanks to lori..
so ironic..
because i dont know him in real life..
thats why i can really pour out to him..
but anyway..
thanks for hearing all my craps..
i will try to forget all these..
ct comes first..
so gotta study hard..

i read about this interesting quote somewhere..
didnt thought that i will get to use it one day..
its in chinese.. but translated version will be..

"The way i feel.. neither can it be expressed..
nor can it be said in words.."

*poof*

You are a person who keeps things to yourself
Any friends that came along, you will accept and trust them completely
Your life is not fulfilled
You are weak in your life and tends to be fragile
You have few good friends in your life
Your last relationship is not a good one and is not memorable to you
Even when your partner is around, you will flirt around with others
You have got a low ego
A humble personality is in you
You get average bond with your friends
Your partner is pure and good in your heart
Your partner is a very homely and humble person
You seek your partner whenever you met with problems

i see..
so this is me?
interesting analysis..

you have changed..
to someone who i do not know..
so have i changed..
to someone who i do not know either..
we have all been changing..
but all these changes really made me so insecure..
i do not know since when..
i had become such vulnerable to differences..
i tried not to think..
i am trying to numb myself..
using studies..
perhaps its not a bad thing after all..
if not i seldom study at all..
at least studying keeps me occupied..
there was one entry which i wrote..
"You can't tell your heart what to do.
It does it on its own"
i didnt choose to become like this..
its the environment which cause me to become like this..

suddenly i was told that theres family dinner at no sign board restaurant..
i was like 'just let me stay at home' this kind of feeling..
it was at ECP..
a place filled with those colourful memories..
where i learnt my bike..
where we had bbq..
where we ton..
where we sat by the beach..
and i my tears almost went flowing again when i was in the car..
lucky it didnt..
then while waiting for the food..
i took the opportunity to go down to the beach again..
just sat there alone..
and stare at the sea..
the waves..
the sky..
am i suffering from some loner depression syndrome?
sighs..
things will never be the same again..
and i can expect more to come..

it was raining on this very fateful christmas morning..
and i purposely missed my bustop..
such that i would able to stroll in the rain home..
people were carrying umbrella and hurrying so that they wont get drenched..
yet they paused to look at me..
because i was strolling in the rain..
things changes..
the walkway..
the streets..
people..
and i wont deny that i have changed..
however..
i have become someone whom i do not know..
its scary..
i dont know what i am thinking..
why do i think this way..
the way i react to certain issues..
its irony..
when sometimes i can tell people to accept things with an open mind..
learn to take things by the stride..
but..
i myself cannot do it..
i do not know..
whats happening to me..
there has been a source of sadness within me..
but i cannot determine where does it come from..
i think alot..
especially when i am alone on bus ride..
however my thoughts are in a swirl..
i am confused..
i do not know what am i feeling..
what am i doing..
i also realised that my social life is very limited..
although i did have some close friends in the past..
but.. i dont really put in alot of my feelings for them..
because they wont be able to understand how i feel either..
i guess what i am looking for..
is a person who can really see me through inside out..
because i myself do not know myself that well either..
i think the word to describe how i feel now..
is miserable..
why have i undergone this drastic change..
into a person who thinks so much..
i really do not know what i want..
do not know how i feel..
everything is just simply..
messy..
even when i went out..
i will just suddenly become very quiet..
didnt really wanted to speak..
i really dont know..
things are no longer the same..
and i am no longer the same anymore..
i think i am really bad at adapting to changes..
i just cannot react..
or some things i just cannot accept..
i just feel sad..
sad sad sad sad sad..
but i do not know why..
theres this heart wrenching feeling..
one word to describe me..
simply pathetic..
i want to know what is wrong with me..
i want an answer..
sometimes..
i just wish to dissipate into thin air..
at least i wont be a hindrance to others..

merry christmas eve!!
yup will be out tonight
catching chronicles of narnia
=))
may all of u out there get blessed
all ur wishes come true~

i found myself a new love~
marimo~ marimo~
its so so so cute!
i cant bear to give it away now..
argh
but no choice la..
its meant to be a gift for others
can only take down the pic
=((

your true color is Blue!

You're blue - the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you - they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue - and patently you!

oops
i am really bad in taking care of money
i spent most of my savings on myself
and gifts for others
mambo~
i saw quan yi feng!!
tian shi niang niang
lol.. so happy la..
gonna wrap prezzies..
broke broke..
then at heeren
bump into that yao siu ron
everyday say busy then let us catch happyly going out with the beloved bro
zz

i am only buying presents for people who i feel are very important to me..
who made changes to me..
who added so much colours to my dull life..
people whom i feel theres a need for me to kill my brain cells..
to hunt for gifts..




sale!! sale!!
everywhere is having sale!!
and town is flooded with so many people..
zzzz
saw quite a handful of stuff i wanna buy!!
the mambo shorts lol
which cost 100+
if got discount then i buy..
half price lol..
then saw the green top at 2%
giodarno pants going at real cheap!
need to buy christmas gifts for ppl too..
anyway saw real lots nice stuff..
but never bought any today..
because..
theres still tomorrow!!
part 2 of my shopping journey lol
guess have to really bring my savings down tmr

when i was small..
ppl always call me hum bao..
simply because i always cry..
then as time passes..
through primary sch.. secondary sch..
no matter how sad i was..
i still couldnt cry..
i thought i had lost the ability to cry..
however..
everything i had gone through in poly till now..
made me even more vulnerable to tears..
to the extend that..
tears will flow when i am watching some sad part of fiction serials..
those true story charity shows no need to say..
really pity those poor people..
i know its kind of inappropriate for a guy to cry so much..
but it has really been a stage where by..
i cannot control them anymore..
oh well..

Sweety - 彩虹眼泪

他总是不了解
我那些假装的无所谓
关于那些是是非非
爱的疲惫又有谁能陪
我总不够坚决
才会在爱里面绕圈圈
我学得会口是心非不要流泪
天上的眼泪
他好像懂我的心碎
懂得轻轻给我一些安慰
我们应该要了解
伤了心有种爱的美
天上的彩虹
总出现在天晴雨过
我已经懂得轻轻的放手
就算我觉得难过
你会在我身边守候
陪我一起去看彩虹

你总是不自觉
才会在爱里面绕圈圈
让他去飞
留个泪水才能学会

擦干了成长的泪水
搭上了幸福的地铁
远方有个声音
那一定会是你

i guess this blog is still more suitable with this song..
i guess i have failed utterly..
i am just a person who are not good in anything..
and now you are denying my existence..
this hurts me more then anything else..
i think i'll be better of dead..
at least i wont be able to feel anything anymore..
really..
please dont do this to me..

this song is for you =))

宇恒 - 依然是朋友

情人节的前一天他离开你身边
只剩下你无止境的想念
那一夜我陪着你你哭了一整夜
你是否知道我对他一样很想念
直到有一天我和他碰面
在那间我们常去的咖啡店
才知道有些感受我和他谁都不曾说出口
我们之间隐藏了什么除了我自己没人懂
可是你你怎么说你知道后是不是从此避开我 oh
我一样难过多希望我们不曾相识过

才知道有些感受我和他谁都不曾说出口
我们都是最好的朋友谁会有勇气去开口
不再哭不再难过我们还有好大好大的天空
故事的最后我们都不曾失去过甚么
我们依然是朋友

just want to let you know that..
nobody is perfect in this world..
and nobody is going to blame you for being imperfect..
as you may said its just you..
i just simply hopes , wishes , prays ..
that you can really find your answer to your doubts soon..
(and i mean really soon!)
and things will turn better..
=p

i realise its the end of the year..
although i am not in the mood to celebrate..
but theres STILL the wishlist..
i want..
new phone
vintage specs
new clothes for new year
disposable contact lenses
new hair colour for new year
new bag if possible
new shoe
the wishlist simply goes on and on..
aww.. i am so broke..
any kind souls??
buy me my wishlist for chirtmas
i will be so appreciated
=))


christmas approaching fast..
2 weeks break has begun..
everywhere seems so filled with christmas mood..
but i am not really prepared for christmas..
dont really have the mood for it..
take yesterday for example..
my class people were all happily exchanging present..
everyone was so high and enjoying..
but i never really participated in it..
also one thing which surprises me..
andrea they all bought present for like everyone la..
so nice of them..
they gave me a pair of purple studded earring..
and andrea gave me a purple top
i really appreciate it..
amanda gave me a lolipop and christmas note too
well feeling kinda guilty because i didnt prepare any stuff for them..
but i just dont have the celebrating mood..

then went out with zy & ht for dinner
has been so long since went out with them
even though it was just at simple dinner at north yoshinoya
but at least they kept me occupied
=))

i really dont know what to do with you..
i feel that others had already give up..
but i just dont bear to..
everyday i am still thinking of what i can do to salvage the situation..
but its not going to work if you are going to stay walled up..
and remain stubborn..

S.H.E-不作你的朋友

慢慢失忆
所有和你的事情必须忘记
爱的盆地
深怕在一滴眼泪就会决堤
我也不想被你肯定
在这个时候说我让你感动过
别握住我的手
说我一定会懂
作不成的爱人变成最好朋友
别牵著我的手
想著别人脸孔
换个方式牵手并不会更好过
可不可以不作你的朋友
慢慢心痛
没有人发现我和从前不同
你的眼中
看得见另一个人给的感动
我也不要你心疼我
在这个时候对
我比从前温柔
应该放晴的天气
还下雨别这样下去
我难过但是说不出口
一直逃避我以为闭上眼睛就能忘记
我的记忆开始在雨天的七月二十三
慢慢经过我们一起绕过的十字街头
怎么走都走不到尽头
可不可以别回头
可不可以就放手
可不可以不作你的朋友

i actually dreamt of myself crying last night..
sighs..
first time i send a chain friendship email..
why?
because i wanted to make a wish..

this is to all my friends out there..

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?
Saying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.
If you do, they might break your heart...
if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do.
It does it on its own........
when you least suspect it,
or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had,
but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...
for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid...
afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.*
What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)
*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?
*People live, but people die. I want to tell you that you are a friend.
If you died tomorrow you would bein my heart.
But would I be in yours?
If you care about me as much as I care about you
Please tell me so..
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life,
you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life,
I look up to you, respect you , truly cherish you , most of all I CARE about friends

finally submitted my techtalk to ee min..
a load off my shoulder..
although i still have some minor amendments to do here and there..
have been awake for 40+ hrs..
feeling desolated..
i dont know..
just feeling sad and depressed all of the sudden again..
dont know why..
wanna be alone..
sighs..
feel like crying too..
emotional release..
rawrr..

kavita is so evill
she dont let us choose who to do with for imm presentation
everyone drew lots for title
those who drew same title will have to do together
i ended up something with TB again!!
zzz..
will be doing with yuping & daphne..
dont know is it a good thing anot..
not very familar with them..
first time have to do stuff with ppl who are not very close with..
zzz..

i guess tonight no need to sleep le!
2 more pages to go..
i will be free after tomorrow!!
tsk tsk

amb presentation down!!
kavita is sometimes nice..
sometimes very attitude..
what a woman with many faces..

he is feeling down..
my innate self is asking me to show concern..
but then..
my adaptive self is telling me..
why bother when he doesnt give a damn about u..
he will definitely approach his bro..
sighs..
feeling confused and sad..

another few more days
just another few more days
then i will be having more time to myself..
and not be looking at photoshop everyday..
i will have time to study!
and back maple!
stupid ben..
psyco me go back play..
cause he bought me a perfect scrolled wu sun..
tsk tsk..

all i want for christmas..
is u..
is a new phone..
is money..
any kind souls?

its painful for me to let go..
but if i dont..
i am the one who is suffering..
i guess i am just a nobody to u..
whats the point..
when i showed concern..
u shunned away..
and yet u said we didnt even realise u are feeling down..
yf would know what i m refering to..
if u are so determined..
and enjoy being a loner..
so be it..
it was u who force me to give up on u..
i am sick and tired of ur behavior..

things are getting suckier then ever..
my E700A screen finally went white..
i thought mine lasted quite long already..
however..
these few days i need my phone like so desperately..
and it died on me..
how unlucky can i get?

as usual the shopping duo went town..
had dinner at cine pm..
the stupid person blast the music..
and i am having a hell lotta headache now..

saw this big car..
which make yf excited..
rolls royce phantom..
well.. i am not a car person..
dont understand the greatness of this car..
however..
lots of passerbys were like fascinated by that car..
and they keep on took photo with it..
yf too..
was fawning over it..

i shall not bother about what others think..
i just want to get everything over and done with..
whatever stupid comments that u all make..
i dont give a damn..
say whatever u want..


i feel so useless..
i am really not a good friend..
because i can never understands him..
i guess i can only hope that..
his bro can really release him..
from his sufferings..
it kinda sucked..
i am just not convinced what power does the bro possess..
i hate myself for not able to prove myself useful..
sighs..
but its okie..
just hope that u can be happy..

finally explorations is over!
a sigh of relief..
well..
but i still got techtalk to go..
i am beginning to think that..
am i a person who is too possessive..
hmm..
i need to talk to that higher being person..
who is currently sooooooo into his brother..
-.-

feeling really tired..
although i slept last night..
but then seems like my eyes has been puffy..
swollen eyes..
my eyes are teary..
even when i yawn tears comes out..
zzz..

lesson learnt..
dont ever depend on others to get things done..
next time its wise to do everything yourself..


today is officially declared as..
happy pao day!!
as usual me n yf were shopping ard..
and we went crystal jade for dinner
we ordered 4 different kind of paos
shanghai xiaolongbao
beijing shuijiao bao
jiu cai bao
some pig oil bao
total number of paos we ordered was 22
and we even ordered a la mian to share..
then we had to eat 11 pao each
so exciting lol..
so happy to go out with yf..
my all time fav shopping kakii
=))

really.. i guess its pointless to hold on..
i break down easily nowadays when i encountered difficulties..
and yet what u all could do..
was to rub salt to my wound..
i broke down because i was too stressed up..
and not because of u all..
never am i going to shed a tear for u all again..
my heart is already dead..


oo i enjoyed watching star awards..
always get to hear alot of inspiring words..
like shen dian xia said..
'keep yourself happy then you will look young
no point being feeling sad for life still goes on'
oh and and..
my all time favourite stars goes to
bryan wong, kym ng & quan yi fong..
i just simple their showsss
the combination of this trio in shows really make me happy

boreds..
shall stop all my thoughts..
anyway..
i dont think i even have a place in u all..
so why bother making myself so sad?
why bother being depressed?
wonder how many times has my heart bleed..
i guess my heart is dead..
sometimes i think i should have just let go..
but its just me to hold on tightly..
yadaa yadaa
i have other more meaningful stuffs to do..
like study?
bleahh

oops..
i forgot to say..
i got my first choice for fyp..
yay..
leukaemia..
seems like have to study harder for imm..
busy with loads of stuff..
spent my whole afternoon till midnight doing the coverpage for techtalk..
i think it sucked..
its so simple..
and theres so little pics..
for theres no space..
really dont know what to do..
sighs..
everything seems so shytty..
emotions stuff is shytty..
studying stuff is shytty..
job stuff is shytty..
i guess i am shytty after all..
bleahhhh
sighs..
sometimes i am so envious of atheles..
tsk tsk..
i dont understand why they are just simply so pro..
huh..
i dont have the sports gene..
so sad la..
sighs..

i really dont know what to do anymore..
why does everything has to come this way..
sometimes i dont know why am i the only person trying..
i feel like giving everything up..
but i just cant..
i wonder how many times has i shedded tears over this issue..
simply tireds..

sighs..
i thought u would at least call to console me..
but yet u didint..
reason?
doing project..
fine..
project is more important..
but still..
sighs..
nvm..
i am already used to it le..
but still..
ur super insensitiveness..
is driving me nuts!!!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

think nowadays i am so vulnerable to emotions..
my tear glands are getting abit too developed..
they are flowing abit too much and easily..
zzz..

as usual..
tired..
too much stuff happened today..
it all begins with the exchanging gift..
before i pick the names..
i still told eping..
"i dont mind buying for our own ppl..
but what if i picked those u-know-who?"
i dont know if fate is really playing a trick on me or what..
and i picked the name which i never ever wanted to pick..
immediately my mood sank..
and my rest of the days were gone..
simply gone..
i know its my problem..
i have been having dislikes against my present class..
maybe its really biasness..
but like i told eping..
its like only the 6 of us are left..
further more we are going to celebrate belated andreas bdae..
going kbox somemore..
but i just dont have the mood to sing anymore..
so sorry to andrea..
i just need to be alone..
and off i go to orchard alone..
feeling frustrated..
feeling irritated..
the next thing i know..
i was in the hairdresser..
and i snipped off my long hair..
just hoping that cutting those irritating fringes may remove my frustrations..
well i did feel better after that..
although i m such a loner..
at least i happily finished training..
well but definitely not happy now..
do i still not have enough stuff to fret about..
such that now u have to make me feel frustrated again..

if only we can be more understanding for one other..

i'm just your typical guy. adolescent, dealing with growing pains just as any other normal human would. except what sets me apart is that i am lewis and i am the supposed owner of this forsaken web page. i'm odd in the way that i have very frequent moodswings and i argue a lot with everyone. so i guess i'm your typical, not-so-typical guy.
i'm just who i am. metro, a SNAG and the oh-so-annoying bitch. lazy, cranky, irritable and irritating in every way. just living out my life as normal as i possibly can. with friends that can hurt me to the core and enemies that surprise me. it's no wonder i keep this blog.