it has been such a long time..
since i was last caught in a heavy rain..
further more was on a bus..
just looking at the rain drops..
as it hit the window of the bus..
then was in an aircon bus..
that kind of atmosphere is just so comfy and relaxing..
but..
got a tinge of sadness too..
was on the way home from town..
watched harry potter..
i cried when cedric died!!
feeling so drained after the show..
wanna sleep..
but then since i login..
my window is like POP N POP N POP..
everyone is flooding me with qns..
and i have SO SO SO many stuff undone..
feeling so shytty..
i am feeling so fucked up already..
and yet the problems just appears and appears..
i dont know if i is huo gai for taking so much stuff..
or just everything is thrown to me..
i am so tired..
really..
just tired..
yup..

and i am a loner..
nobody cares..
i dont understand..
why i am able to share other ppls problem..
yet theres no one to share mine..

stayed back to watch polypics..
and to support all my dear friends who competed in it..
yup..
its nice to see ppl who have dreams and hopes..
like our ng chong sheng who simply loves swimming..
really envious of ppl who has dreams and hopes..
saw this show on tv mobile..
project runaway..
nice show about designers..
trying to become famous..
really put in all their effort to design nice clothings..
sometimes i wish to be a designer too..
but i dont have the talent..
and also a hairdresser..
cosmetician also not bad..
seems like i do wish to do something like that in the future..
but ..
i dont know if i have the talent or luck to do it..
hmm..
if not be tso mehhh..
so pathetic..
results wise..
i dont think i am able to be those doctor kinds..
i dont even think i will do something with science..
then what the hell am i doing in LSCT!!
but nevertheless..
i dont regret being here..
really..
this place really contains alot of heartwarming memories..
and i really hope i can treasure my remaining time..
sighs..

i saw this poor doggie being abandoned..
so poor thing..
it was wandering on the side of the road..
sighs..
but theres nothing that i can help..
so guilty..

yupp..
all is fine now..
hurray!!

dont be so loner..
for i am still around..
i wont give up on u..
unless u made me..

maybe i am getting nonsensical..
because what i say really dont make sense already..
slap me!
wake me up from my nonsense..

once again..
you pushed me down the valley of despair..
why do he has to put words in that way..
i thought everything was over..
but it has begun again..
maybe he didnt mean it to be that way..
but the wordings explain it to be that way..
if only he could be a lil more sensitive..
sighs..
however..
i will not let such words affect me so easily..
i have to learn to accept critism with an open mind..
so i am ok.. really..
if i dont want to be hurt..
nothing can hurt me..

i WAS angry..
until just now at kap..
i didnt realise some of them actually know whats happening..
and zy..
she told me something..
which made me feel utterly bad..
that surge of anger evolved into worries and guilt..
my mood was like from that highhhhhhhhhh..
plummeted to that lowwwwwwwww..
i felt that somehow it was my fault..
for not being understanding..
and even threw my tantrum around him..
really..
i was so worried..
on the journey to town we met up with ht..
then somehow..
zy then said..
she gave me the wrong info!!!!!!!!!
so whatever she told me was not real!!
i immediately lit up..
and i really felt as though a heavy burden has been lifted off..
i cant help but smile..
but one thing..
if i werent informed of that fake info..
i am supposed to be angry..
but till now..
i CANNOT remember why was i angry in the first place..
not even the details..
whats left..
is really sigh of relief..
relieved that all those were not real..

i think this wrong rumor was kind of a blessing in disguise..
because it somehow freed me from my misery..
through this incident..
i realise..
although i wish that he can be abit more understanding ya..
but when something happens..
i am so worried..
so much so that i can feel the pain..
as a friend i feel that i have really given everything i have..
even if he dont understand..
even if he dont know how i feel..
even if he dont care..
its okie..
for i have already given my very best..
i am still willing to share his troubles and everything..
and to accept what he is..
=))

however.. now that i have forgotten..
i seems like a puzzle with a missing piece..

thanks sujun..
for giving me so much advice..
and pictured the whole situation..
if werent for her..
i would have been in a worse state..
everything she said was so right on spot..
because i take this matter too seriously..
such that i have confined myself to this circle..
and i cannot get out now..
i am now stuck inside..
day by day..
i will only get more and more miserable..
sighs..

if only he can be a little more understanding..

nothing seems meaningful to me anymore..
even the clear blue sky looks so gloomy..
its like i am at the lowest point of my life..
where my faith..
hopes..
dreams..
trust..
are gone..
everything is lost..
i think i may be better of dead..
feel like giving everything up..
yet why doesnt my tears flow..
i would have felt better if it did..
i am tired..
really tired..
yet theres no one whom i am able to lend a support..

i dont know why..
but seems like its obvious that i am not happy..
even people like minghui ask..
why you look so glum?
cheer up
i also dont know why am i so gloomy..
then yichao said..
'not that i want to say but u are getting more niang'
i was like..
am i supposed to be blamed for the way i am??
although i am already quite used to hearing such things..
but its still kinda irritating..
i really feel fed up..
if u cannot accept me..
then for god sake just get lost..
i dont care..
so pathetic..
dont really have anyone for me to lean on..

from dont know when..
i seemed to have take a liking of being alone..
just me and my mp3 player..
it can be anywhere..
be it beach..
or even void deck..
just need a place when theres wind to blow on my face..
just need to be alone..
just sit there..
and stone..
at the very least..
my mind is in a blank state when i am stoning..

i am guilty..
of rubbing salt to ur wound..
deep down i know that its what u afraid the most..
yet i did it..
maybe its just my own sensitiveness..
maybe i am just exaggerating..
maybe u are even bothered by it..
maybe u dont even care..



i feel so drained..
i woke up at 1pm..
went back to sleep at 3..
woke up at 5..
now i am sleepy..
didnt get the chance to study till this week..
sighs..
i am tired..
just tired..
just wish to close my eyes..
and forget about everything..
by anychance if i were to meet with any mishaps..
i may just forget everything..
maybe thats a good thing..
maybe thats what i wanted..
selective memory loss syndrome..
so that i can just escape from reality..

finally..
i can remove the facade thats on me..
sighs
so tired acting nice in front of everyone including sickening ppl..
so tired faking happy when i am not..
so tired walking the whole sentosa..
but overall..
its was quite fun la..
but alot of stuff did happen..
ben flew off the bike and fractured his hand..
which i think is very saddening..
as the organiser he tried his best in doing the job..
and yet the price he paid for..
is his hand..
fate is so unfair..

i feel sorry for not able to console u when u needed it..
looking at the depressed u makes me sad too..
but nevertheless..
although i understand u have ur way doing ur stuff..
which i may never ever understand..
but..
i just dont know how can i bring myself to forgive u..
because its not about right and wrong..
trying to avoid u is one of my option..
but its impossible..
sorry..
i am not a good friend..

once again..
i almost ended up crying on the bus..
because its such a long journey home..
i will just stone..
and..
tears will welled up in the eyes..
maybe i just need to cry out loud..
so that i can release those emotions that i have supressed for so long..
seriously..
i am emotionally weak..
i cant really control them well..
they have gone outta the controls..
day by day..
it just get worse..
i just feel so awfully terrible..
the depression is just there..
i dont know what i want..

60% moody

You are very emotional, and cannot control yourself.
Especially when you are striked with something sad, you are more sensitive than ever, and would response more than others.
Once you encounter some hardship, you would think of yourself as the main character of a tragic story, and allow yourself to fall into the saddest mood.
Also,when you are mad, you would also become very sad.
Even a small fight can make you cry non-stop.
You make others feel that its impossible to predict what you think.

this is soooooooooooooo true..

read this book in kino..
which talks about murphy's law..

whatever can go wrong, will go wrong
whatever can't go wrong, will go wrong
trying to make things better will only make things worse
yet any attempt to do nothing, such that nothing can go wrong, will still go wrong
the truth is rarely pure, and never simple

i think this is so absolutly true too..
sighs..

too much has happened..
i thought i would not be affected..
but still..
when different small matters come cascading..
it becomes something big..
and..
depression once again sets in..
i am beginning to lose my faith and trust in everyone..
including myself..
what i need the most now..
is the beach..
just let me sit on the beach and let the sea breeze blow on my face..

i was really in a foul mood today..
because of what happened last night..
then i since today we are released at 11..
so thought of going for lunch before going home..
but then well..
the rest seems occupied..
well i am the lonely one..
so pathetic..
well..
luckly zy was around..
and she came to C3 to wait for me..
but the stupid mallick didnt release us on time..
and my grp ppl; eping & yvette, also have dates..
so yvette went off..
while eping and i decided to go back later after lunch..
then talked to zy..
well..
i am still very furious..
but theres really nothing which i can do..
ht just called me..
yup and told me more stuff..
well..
now i really agreed to what she sms me..
"i really feel sad for all of us"
whatever..
i dont really care already..
i just want to get my stuff over and done with..
seems like only me zy and ht feel the same way..
we are so pathetic..
sighs..
because all those fuckers dont even understand a shyt..
and they only know how to blow trumpet..
well..
go ahead..

even people whom i trusted so much..
is not the same anymore..
you made me lose my trust and faith..
which i had in you..
i am ultterly furious.. ultterly disappointed..
i feel like crying my heart out..
but everything is just not worth my tears..

i killed a mice today!!
well..
wasnt actually that scary after all..
and me eping n yvette were happily dissecting the mice
digging the organs
so fun..

suprisingly..
i dont feel anything after hear from zy about tt issue..
well..
i guess i have already hear too much..
such that i am so used to it..
i surprise myself sometimes..
i am not affected at all..
woo..

but then comes another issue..
well..
people do have different kind of thinking..
which i agree..
but i guess..
only those with power and right will be heard..
hmm..
well..
i just feel so unfair for them..
because they are so 'powerless'..
the more i think of it the more angry i gets..
well..
what else can i say?
whatever..
i DONT CARE already..
as usual..
i guess i am pathetic..
because i cant be of much help..
tsk..

the recee was fun =))
especially the chairlift + luge ride
if only the track is longer..
really..
i am beginning to like the sea..
even in the morning..
afternoon..
night..
its nice to just sit there and gather my thoughts..
but i think i am abit feverish now..
must be due to the over exposed to solar radiation..
tsk tsk..

i really think my brain is empty..
i tried studying for imm..
(since when did you see me study so early before exams)
and i nearly tore up the notes!!
because i cant seem to make any sense out of it!!
and worst of all..
its only chapter 1!!!
sighs..
i really think i am stupid..
furthermore i have recee at sentosa tomorrow..
which means 1 day lesser to study..
sometimes i hope to have the brain of those smart ppls..
so depressing..

i bidded goodbye to this maple friend of mine..
well..
because most probably i won't be playing maple for some time..
didnt wanted to add him on msn..
because my maple character is a female..
and he assume that i am too..
so..
better not let him know..
such a pity..
i guess as maple friends..
fate has took us till so far..
=))
i should be appreciative..

today has really been a very coincidence day
why do i say coincidence?
because many quite interesting events happened just now..
i was jogging around the neighbourhood..
and there was this huge gang of police..
don't know catch who..
but so interesting!
got free show..
next..
i continued running and bumped into stevenson at bustop
lol..
after running..
my pri sch best friend called me..
and said he wanted to pass me the souvenior he bought for me in UK
its a box of cadbury chocolate!
"wouldnt it be nice~"
yup yup..
haven seen him for sooooooooo long..
and we chatted under the void deck..
then was wondering were there anymore primary sch friends that we kept in touch..
he said he got met one in SP and exchanged numbers with her
the next moment was bombarding her phone
lol..
recovered a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGG lost friend
really long..
it has been like few years since we haven seen each other
booked an appointment with her
and i was on the phone with her for like 1hr plus under the void deck
so nice catching up with her
gotta reallly cherish this long lost recovered friendship
=))

deciding on fyp project drives me nuts..
1) have to see which are those not-so-hot topics (my results sux)
2) have to see who is the supervisor
3) then can see i interested anot
sighs..
so poor thing la..
so hard to decide..

i have been pissed off today..
really hate to be pissed off..
because for the rest of the day i will be so tired..
although i look happy..
but i dont think i am really happy..

such a tiring day..

during pat prac..
i was being informed of something..
which made me fall off the chair..
i know its expected..
we all kinda expected it already..
and she gave me the guilty look..
..
i think she purposely wants to go against me..
of all people..
and its HIM and HIM and HIMMMMMMMMMM
i really got nothing to say!!
as i told ron the other day..
i will NOT give my blessings..
..
i just dont see whats so nice about HIMM..

since todays topic is about lovey dovey..
lets see..
i guess i am those kind of person who hardly fall in love ba..
and i am not those kind of person who goes around ogling at girls..
well i guess fate hasnt really got anything for me..
lol sounds pathetic..
i guess the reason is mainly..
i feel that i am not matured enough to really handle a relationship..
seriously..
i am afraid of breaking peoples heart..
i will feel so damn guilty..
and i will be labeled as those 'cheap bastards'
as what i would nomally label on others..
*shruggs*
but recently..
i don't know whats this i am experiencing..

the sky is really clear tonight..
if sg weren't such a urban place..
with tons of lights..
i guess tonight is definitely a beautiful sight..

the human mind is complicated..
sometimes..
you will just shoot your mouth away..
and although you didn't meant to do it..
but subconciously..
those hurtful words may just came out..
and..
i have to apologise to ron..
for i said some really mean stuff to him the day before..

once again..
my heart sank twice in a day..
because of your words..
i shant elaborate much..
but i wasnt really affected..
mainly because my mood has been so low for the past few days..
but imagine its the others..
how will they feel??
try putting yourself in other peoples shoes..
its not about the issue of 'we don't treat you as friends'
i don't want you all to worry for me..

for instance..
i wanted to keep this a private blog because..
i didn't want to depress all of you out there..
i have been swinging..
and..
this blog is full of negative comments about myself..
and i don't want you all to feel depressed after seeing all my comments..
i just need a place to hide away..
so i hope you can understand..

p/s : i didn't write all these to pick a fight with you..
if you feel angry..
i have nothing to say..

*hopes that ht recover soon*

recently i like to spent time alone..
and i meant just staring into space at somewhere cooling..
for instance that day i sat at the beach..
today after running around the neighbourhood..
(yes i mean RUN)
why??
because i need to run away for reality..
run away from everything..
just isolate me alone..
and i sat down under the void deck..
just me and my zen micro..
and i stare at the cars which passed by..
for don't know how long..
yup..
at least i feel so much better now..

i am super pissed off now!!
the reason i changed my blog address is because
1) it really contains alot of memories which i couldn't bear to delete
2) i can now scold whoever i want
imagine you are doing a newsletter
and that person you asked to write articles
literally copied and only changed the numbers and added 1 sentence
so what am i supposed to say?
he feels that this newsletter is just something minor
and he can jolly well take last yrs article to add 1 sentence
wow! i am so amazed
why don't i just ask everyone to refer to the previous newsletter
then wouldn't my job be even easier?
you don't even deserve my respect
and to make the matter worse
ron says that as an editor
i should not penalise him based on plagarism
oh bloody crap
then what should i penalise on?
i am so disappointed..

i like this skin alot!!
but something is wrong with it..
my entries seems to fly out of the border..
can anyone tell me why??

yesterday night was indeed really memorable..
despite those unplesant events..
imagine paying so much..
and there isn't any space for us to sleep..
was really kinda pissed off..
but i still enjoyed companies of the gang & lots of my good friends..

the sea is really a very nice place for me to sit and think..
just sitting by the beach at night..
and look at the waves hitting the shore..
its really a very plesant thing to do..
how i wish the waves can just roll all my troubles away..
if ht wasn't there..
i may have just sat on the beach the entire night..
and the next morning i will be found rolled away by the waves..

i have to thank my teachers for teaching me how to ride a bike..
ron yf & pam..
i don't know why..
but i seemed to get the hang of it easily..
ht was abit unlucky to get a lousy bike..
and she injured herself..
(get well soon!)
we cycled from east coast all the way to bedok jetty..
i was on the bike from 3am to like 7am?
i guess this was really the most enjoyable & enriching stuff i have done during this so call chalet.. seeing everyone leaving one by one..
i left too..

on the bus journey home..
was listening to coral sea..
and my tears just flowed..
i don't know why..
luckly there wasn't many people on the bus..

i guess i really missed each and every single one of you..
to the extend that..
just having all of your presence makes me happy..
really appreciate all of you for willing to be with me..
despite my capricious and unreasonable acts..
sorry..
and thank you..







testing

sighs..
getting temperamental..
i am searching..
hoping..
for a new beginning..
nobody understands how i feel..
okay lets face the music..
i am just childish..
seriously..
i am just PLAIN childish..
dumb..
i really don't know whats wrong with me..
and i cannot pin point wheres my problem..
maybe i am just too immature to handle my workload..
sometimes people says i have become matured..
i don't really know..
i feel that what i am feeling now and doing now is so childish..
really..
please someone knock some sense into me..

imagine rotting for 6hours..
oh the library magazine corner is fun..
i found out that i am most probably suffering from this syndrome..
X'mas blues
well.. people suffering from this syndrome will feel depressing when theres holiday..
but when everything is back in order..
i am fine most of the time..
well..
what an illness?
so interesting..
then i realise that i am quite fan chang recently..
really..
am i going crazy?
hmm..
anyway..
coral sea RAWKS!!

i really need some time to myself..
despite the scorching sun..
i went to run stroll around my neighbourhood..
to the extend that i stone at the park..
literally stone..
and think about the past..
i could still remember primary 1..
when i was the class rep..
it was fun collecting the books..
and going into the staff room..
come to think of it my results were those top few among the school..
so i might have become someone really capable..
but its all the past..
after primary 4..
the results were like roller coaster ride..
going down and down..
i still couldn't figure out why..
it may be because..
a) i may have been too arrogant and didn't bother to study..
b) i am just plain lazy or dumb..
c) the computer led me astray..
i used to be a prefect..
but my teacher sack me for my results went plummeting..
so i guess i really wasted my potential of being someone capable..
and i realise that theres this saying..
'if you are thin when you are young; you will end up fat when you grow older' vice versa..
i feel that this is so absolutely true to me..
compare my picture when i was a kid to now..
you will definitely agree to the fullest extend..
so i can now apply this saying to studies too..
'if you are smart when you are young; you will end up being not that smart when you grow older' vice versa..
i myself really have proven this theory to be around 80% accurate..
i remember this friend of mine who also used to had good results when she was in primary school..
but when she was in secondary school she ended up retaining..
*shruggs*
looking at myself now..
i feel so pathetic..
and i saw this advertisement at the bus stop which says..
'feel like crying all the time?'
so what should you do if you really fits the above requirement..
i guess the person who puts up the advertisement wants us to say..
'congrats!! you are suffering from depression!!'
...
sighs..

i feel depressed..
but not to the extend of really sad..
i feel like letting everything out..
but tears won't flow..
i should be strong..
i despise myself..
for being such a weakling..
i really hate myself..

first lessons are alright..
sighs..
i am feeling so screwed now..
i really hate everything for the way it is..
the days seems to get worse as it pass..

i'm just your typical guy. adolescent, dealing with growing pains just as any other normal human would. except what sets me apart is that i am lewis and i am the supposed owner of this forsaken web page. i'm odd in the way that i have very frequent moodswings and i argue a lot with everyone. so i guess i'm your typical, not-so-typical guy.
i'm just who i am. metro, a SNAG and the oh-so-annoying bitch. lazy, cranky, irritable and irritating in every way. just living out my life as normal as i possibly can. with friends that can hurt me to the core and enemies that surprise me. it's no wonder i keep this blog.